Tens of millions of Americans are transfixed by the defining story of 2017.
The Russian meddling in the election? Of course not.
The threat of ISIS terrorists? Can't be bothered.
America is enthralled by the reproductive functions of a single giraffe, and the media is tripping over ourselves to get you to click the headline, and stare for hours at a giraffe that's been "about to give birth" for a month now.
It's the reason you hate us!
For starters, the giraffe birth feed is one big commercial for Toys R Us. Their logo is in the corner now. You can't get away from it.
And then, there are the headlines. Let's examine them, shall we?
US Magazine: Pregnant April the Giraffe has 'notable bulges' on her side
What does that mean???????
Britain's Express: Zookeepers get excited as April has 'significant mammary change'
Show me one other socially acceptable use of the phrase "significant mammary change."
8 On Your Side is doing a little investigative journalism: The difference between labor in humans and giraffes
Spoiler alert: I'd bet one difference is when a baby giraffe comes out.
Over in Cleveland, we have 'April looks large.'
In Oklahoma, April the Giraffe's belly growth is 'mind blowing.'
We're not done yet...
And the, there's the headline to end all headlines: Zookeepers say April 'agitated' as giraffe baby watch continues.
Why do you suppose that is, folks?
This Is Why They Hate Us.
