Bob would hold his daily press briefings and inform the world media how the great and almighty Republican Guard was whipping the snot out of the infidels. To listen to Bob, not only was all of Iraq secure, but Iraqi forces were on the verge of claiming victory in the battle for Miami.
His interpretation of events was, to say the least, perplexing to the world media. Bob would stand before the podium each day and proclaim, "There are no American infidels in Baghdad, Never!" To which some bright young scribe would question Bob about the battalion of American tanks and fifty thousand US Marines outside the building they were in. Unfazed, Bob would reiterate, " There is no presence of American infidels in the city of Baghdad." Riiiiight!
While Bob was kind of likable, the guy was so deep in denial that a bunker-busting bomb couldn't have reached him (or maybe one did... Bob's been pretty scarce lately.) His favorite catch phrase was, "God will roast their stomachs in Hell." Riiiiight!
He reminds me of Bernie Kushner. Bernie was this kid in the neighborhood that I grew up with who never, ever, ever, never lost a game of anything. We'd be on the playground playing hoops and being shorter than one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz, basketball wasn't exactly Bernie's game. Nothing really was, but if basketball was Bernie's game, then I was Michael Jordan. But you could take it to the bank, at some point during Bernie's daily bloodbath on the court, he'd proclaim himself the winner, take his ball and go home. As he walked away, I think I heard him mumble, "God will roast your stomach in Hell."
What worries me about the post-Saddam era of Iraq is what will happen to guys like Baghdad Bob. You'd have to guess that there must be a calling for a spin-doctor who is crafty enough to stand before the world press and proclaim Iraq the winner by a knockout.
I've done some checking and I think I've found some potential employers for Bob. Take the potato chip companies who market olestra chips for example. Olestra, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the product, is a fat substitute that the Food and Drug Administration demands carry a warning label stating the foods potential to cause, "intestinal cramping and anal leakage," Now who could read that and not say, "Yummie! Let's get two bags! And while we're at it, let's buy some new underwear."
While olestra chips may not be fattening, they probably qualify as a weapon of mass destruction. Which is why Baghdad Bob is the right guy to be the spokesperson... he has experience in this area. And besides, Bob's ol' standby would work just fine here, "God will roast your stomach in Hell."
If being the spokesperson for olestra chips doesn't work out, how about Bob as the spin-doctor for pop-icon, Michael Jackson. Michael certainly has image issues of late. His image may not be quit as tarnished as Saddam Hussein's, but he's close. Between his marriage to Lisa Marie Pressley that ended in a surprising divorce several minutes later, his rumored relationship with young boys, his propensity to play "let's dangle the baby off the balcony, and his "natural" facial changes (Riiiiiight!), Michael makes Saddam look normal. Baghdad Bob, and probably even Bernie Kushner would have trouble putting a positive spin on this one. But at least Baghdad has some knowledge about all the plastic surgery that was going on around Saddam. He might even be able to explain Michael's appearance as an effort to create another Saddam look-alike-gone-wrong. If that doesn't work, he can fall back on a variation of his old standby, "God will roast his nose in Hell... or at least what's left of it."
What worries me is that this guy who has served as Operation Iraqi Freedom's comedy relief has been permanently relieved. After all, in the days since the start of the war we bombed Baghdad worse than the Red Wings bombed out of the Stanley Cup playoffs... which come to think of it might be another organization in need of Bob's spin-doctoring skills. I can hear him now, "The great forces of the Red Wings have slaughtered the infidel Ducks... I can assure you that there are no Ducks in the Stanley Cup playoffs. God will roast these qwacks in Hell." Riiiight!
But take heart, if Baghdad Bob has gone to the hereafter, at least the Prince of Darkness has a great new spokesperson. And Bob can speak with authority when he tells his next audience that, "God will roast their stomachs in Hell. I know, cause I'm living an eternity in the hibachi. And hey, would someone please pass me the olestra chips and a clean pair of boxers."
You win Bob, I surrender.
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